Note to world #4448

She was really not cut out to be a mom.

She had too much guilt for starters – which squeezed out all the joy she might otherwise have when she did things for herself – ranging from big stuff like having a career to minor items like going to the gym. And then different guilt for not completely loving the entire mommy experience.  Because she struggled. Mightily. She found it hard work to be a mother. 

Then there was the excessive analytical worrying side of her. Too much worrying in a way that made her stomach churn and her head hurt. 

And of course, the constant vulnerability. Every statement she made was a chance for her daughters to chide her, grimace and find fault with her or worse, lunacy.

And let’s not forget her lack of perspective.  When things were even slightly off between her and her children, she would become myopically depressed.

Add in the lost years of sleep, the wreckage that was now her body, the mess of divorced parenting and ugh.

Most days, she wanted to peel off all of these thick layers of angst and run away.  She wanted her children to know she wasn’t enjoying her ‘parent’ stint any more than they were.  

But she was stuck in it now and there would be no running away for her. She was just going to have to muddle through and make the best of it. Cry a lot. Laugh more. And hope for better days. 

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7 thoughts on “Note to world #4448

  1. Or your children will live in with you until you shuffle off this mortal coil, and you’ll get all your kids’ and grands’ names mixed up, and they will think you don’t love them enough to even try to not say those other names first. 😉 I recently had a falling out with long distance daughter that, because of its nature, I was sure posed estrangement. I was quite wrong, but in that week, I inventoried my whole life (AGAIN) — woke up with it, went to bed with it..ugh. I’d say you’re doing fine, but it helps a LOT to have someone strongly in your corner, or preferably someone who is daftly nuts about you, if that’s an option.

      1. Now and then, and as much as any kid can make one feel substandard, they need us more than they could give voice to. A great ice/stalemate-breaker is to find a way (holidays, birthdays, bad weather, faked album-sorting) to haul out childhood photos including times with pets. It’s a blessed time-eraser.

  2. Before you know it, the children are going to grow up, and move out, and whatever your life will be like then, you will look back at these years about which you are now complaining, forget about the bad parts, and feel love and longing.

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