The future is always beginning now
Basically as soon as Christmas finished, I collapsed in a feverish heap of overcooked exhaustion. I lay in bed for three straight days in my holiday pajamas – only getting up to be sick. At the end of it, I couldn’t stand the sight or smell of my formerly festive barfwear – which, truth be told, had lost its sparkle by the end of day 1, really. And I was so close to 2016 that I decided to start the new year afresh: less laundry and a different bedtime look.
Rejuvenated by these notions, I threw away my Christmas jammies – they had unspeakable fluids and “geriatric but cozy” written all over them anyway. Then I went searching for a new pair— just some age appropriate sleepwear that said “happy” without too much “hohoho,” if you know what I mean.
And this turned out to be a more difficult task for this midlife / professional / marginally thrifty / kinda practical / always chilly / definitely tired / single mom than I had imagined.
Maybe I put too many filters around my search.
Or my sense of self.
Or my dignity.
Or maybe there are many other women in my situation wearing odd collections of garments to bed as well.
In any case, I have not found anything yet. And much to my annoyance, no one has invented “business casual” pajamas since I started searching. I have a few days to find something before the kids come home from holiday with their dad. But time is short and nothing says “ew” to teenage girls like seeing mom in her birthday suit on New Year’s Day.
So glad I acted on total impulse. So glad.
Today, her gifts were simple. Her older daughter played a song on the piano. She had learned it just for Christmas. Her other child created a brief video montage of family photos. Even the family pets joined in : the fish played dead so she didn’t feel she had to feed him, and the dog licked all the crumbs off the floor so she didn’t have to sweep up.
When she thought about it, there was really nothing more she could want.
It’s a seismic shift in my life : I’m just letting everything happen all around me, giving up control and taking deep breaths – but not because I’ve mastered a state of deep zen.
I’m simply too tired to do anything else.