It had been noted that she was still not drinking the company Kool-Aid, so she was enrolled in an intensive corporate brainwashing seminar. She had four days to choke down the incantations of headquarters.
Her friends told her to enjoy it.
She felt like vomiting in her socks.
It was nothing –
or in its best iteration,
a warm gesture
but it left her feeling
deal with it, move on
because he meant nothing
except to be friendly
with men and women alike –
she being no different,
his hands on her shoulders
his forehead against hers
it was nothing –
she was nothing
so get over it.
today i threw you away –
my hidden desire for you,
paper love and verbal lust
and while i was slower to it,
when i finally arrived there
too, i understood why i
also had been discarded
round and low
at the brim of
It is 3 am and I am standing in a bathroom in a bar, hiding. I don’t want to go back to my companions.
I have been drinking and listening to everyone else yell/talk over other drunken patrons and bad music.
I have been mostly quiet and having my own inner conversation:
One where first I sort of wish you were here
and then I drink enough that I forget you exist
and then I drink too much and can’t live without you another second
because you are both the love of my life and a mistake I keep making
and then suddenly I need to hide in the bathroom.
I am an adult woman – a professional – who hides in the bathroom – this night, to type out crazy rambling notes about you until people begin to wonder where I’ve gone and I begin to wonder why I don’t take all my therapy sessions in stinky dimly lit stalls. I go through the entire range of human emotion before I persuade myself to go back to the bar and rejoin reality.
And yes: I’m still hiding in public bathrooms in my forties and I’m just not all that emotionally functional. And most of the time, I pretend that no one really notices and it’s fine.
Except fine is a ham sandwich.
She attended begrudingly the
birthday luncheon of a geriatric man
she didn’t know at all
Over soggy bread and soft pasta,
she was transfixed by the
funhouse effect of the restaurant,
large smoky mirrors and shiny chrome —
elderly matriarchs with painted eyebrows
shaped like surprised rainbows,
something her friend had never noticed
before in his entire life, which she found
odd since he was afraid of clowns