Prayers

Me in church during the prayer session:

Good Lord, help me. Just in general, God, because I’ve got so many things that need Your help, it would be dangerous to create a list.

And also please help me to understand whether I should or should not be giving all my spare change to the homeless.  I’m very confused on this point. Because every time I see them pan handling, they are usually standing right near that sign that says if I want to help the homeless, I should give to a charity and not to these disturbing-the-peace, trespassing no-good, smelly and potentially-lunatic folks. But so many of the readings from the Bible – including the one today, God, about the rich man who ignores Lazarus ? – seem to suggest I should really give all my change. Which is what I want to do anyway. Plus I find spare change so annoying. So maybe the homeless are helping me when they take my change? Or what if I gave them food instead ? I could start to carry apples with me at the bottom of my huge purse. They could roll around down there with my spare change and lint. Do the homeless need lint, God? Maybe to craft a lint blanket?

Also God, please help the pastor know when to stop today because this prayer session already seems too long. And it’s beautiful outside and I would like to walk in the woods where I think You hide out from people like the pastor when he’s trying to rope You into some community service event and You’d rather poke Your eyes out. At least that’s how I sometimes feel, even though I know I shouldn’t.

Dear God, forgive me for being such a pretend Christian, praying about such silly things when I should really be more focused. I mean, I bet old Mr. Swan is praying about really good and pious stuff. I’m just wondering now what kinds of pastries they will have at coffee hour today.

Like I said, I could really use some help down here, God. Amen.

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