JM Pod, an obscure corporate cog, died today at her desk in Corporate America. Her age was unknown.
The cause was a deadly cocktail of frustration and boredom, according to her secretary and designated spokesperson. “She was found slumped over her keyboard with glazed eyes in a catatonic state after a prolonged conference call,” her secretary stated. “She also had an overextended bladder, leading doctors to suspect she had been on the conference call for a very long period of time. She died shortly after finally relieving herself.”
A statement issued by her employer expressed gratitude for her services: “We are not sure who we will dump all of our work on. Or who we will blame when things go wrong. This is a really sad day for the entire company.”
Ms. Pod was best known for her ability to curse, write lengthy and meaningless memos and emails and render inane advice. She was frequently consulted by middle managers on sublimely ridiculous corporate matters and was highly regarded as an expert of the pedantic.
She is survived by her two children from a previous and devastatingly unhappy marriage that helped spur her workaholic habits, one lunatic dog who is addicted to floor licking and a small fish she tried unsuccessfully to kill many times if only to avoid changing that disgusting fish bowl.
The family requests that contributions be made in lieu of flowers to RIM, the failing maker of the Blackberry, a device that Ms. Pod was never seen without during her short, brutish, nasty corporate existence.